" Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself."

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.

"My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in."

" A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What, because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy."

"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's
either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin."

 You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.

I was getting into my car the other day and this bloke comes up to me and says, "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster , go for it."

A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

i got home and the phone was ringing. i picked it up and said , "who's speaking?"

and a voice answered, "you are".

i rang up my local swimming baths and i said,"is that the local swimming baths?" and a voice answered, "it depends where you are phoning from."