" Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself."

"My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in."

" A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What, because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy."

"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's
either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin."

 You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.

A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you !!!